I have this history with so many people’s fingers getting tangled up in my dreams and “real men” throwing punches at my glass-jawed aspirations. There are so many nights in my memory that reek of stale air, heavy with nicotine and sweat and beer, nights where I didn’t believe I’d wake up the next day and didn’t care if I did. I’ve sought refuge from the disappointments I’ve had to face--that I’ve retreated from--in so many wasteful ways. Laying my tears to rest with so many rotten, wrecked people.
My way is now and always has been to remain the cynic. To be angry and frustrated and let that drive me to success or, more often than I care to admit, retreat. Because for some reason I’ve always found it preferable to failure.
But I’ve learned. And I’ve grown.
I’m not a perfect person. And there are times when I doubt I’m even a good person. My weaknesses have always been so much more apparent to me than my strengths. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself through eyes unaffected by my own flawed understanding of the world.
But like I said: I’ve learned, and grown.
It’s so easy to take the people who matter for granted, the people who make us better human beings and who push us to, and beyond, our limits. It’s easy to take them for granted because they’re always there. It’s in their nature--they don’t run away.
It’s such a thankless fucking job.
Over time I’ve learned to be confident. And I’m still scared shitless of what lies ahead, and I still doubt my ability to make it through from time to time, and I’m still unsure and cynical and angry.
But I want to fight. I want to try. I want to make decisions and see them through. I want to face failure and know that I’ll live to fail again and not fucking care. And slowly--so painfully slowly--I’m getting there.
But I’ve learned. And I’ve grown.
I’m not a perfect person. And there are times when I doubt I’m even a good person. My weaknesses have always been so much more apparent to me than my strengths. I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself through eyes unaffected by my own flawed understanding of the world.
But like I said: I’ve learned, and grown.
It’s so easy to take the people who matter for granted, the people who make us better human beings and who push us to, and beyond, our limits. It’s easy to take them for granted because they’re always there. It’s in their nature--they don’t run away.
It’s such a thankless fucking job.
Over time I’ve learned to be confident. And I’m still scared shitless of what lies ahead, and I still doubt my ability to make it through from time to time, and I’m still unsure and cynical and angry.
But I want to fight. I want to try. I want to make decisions and see them through. I want to face failure and know that I’ll live to fail again and not fucking care. And slowly--so painfully slowly--I’m getting there.
I want you to know (and I say it publicly in the hopes that others will see someone in their own lives that needs acknowledging) that I appreciate you for everything you are. That--whatever else happens, or has happened, whatever disappointments we‘ve shared or faced separately--I’ll always be here for you. Because you deserve no less.
You know who you are.
Thank you.
I love you.
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